I have handled many things military life has thrown my way. Maybe not to nicely or easily, but I have done it. I was not raised military so didn't expect much of what this life was.
12 hour shifts that often turned into 15...did it. Not without kicking and throwing a fit, but after 7 years we are passed them. I like to think it made our marriage stronger, because ya know...that's what they say, right?
2-year-long great friendships that were amazing veer off into "just friends" category. After years of not seeing one another finally land themselves into that ever growing pile of "just an acquaintance". Tugs my heart, but that too I can overcome.
The one thing I can't seem to master and overcome is being so distant from my family back in Indiana.
It makes me sad and jealous to see my sister and parents watch other babies and kids grow up every day yet only see mine twice a year. They have missed out on some of their cutest moments. They haven't seen Declan laugh while doing his side smile grin or heard him coo and flirt with his sisters. This baby that I think is the cutest boy in the world they will never know.
I have got around a lot of military issues. There are a lot of disadvantages(and advantages...trust me, living in Hawaii was a big perk) you get use to being a military family. However this is always the one that sticks me. I can never seem to get past the sadness of knowing my family will be absent through my little babies growing months. It started when Lilia was a baby. I cried and cried after leaving my parents. Not so much because I was sad to leave, but because I was sad they wouldn't be around my sweet little growing girl. It doesn't seem so rough after the age of 3. It's just the baby age that gets me.
All the pictures in the world don't do him justice. He just isn't as cute, when the photos amplify his baby chub that really isn't so puffy. Pictures just don't capture the color of his blue/grey eyes brimmed with long lashes that would make any girl jealous.
We could Skype all day long, but the random coos and eyebrow flirting is lost over the craziness that comes with Skype in the few quite moments he gets to be the star. Usually his sisters are fighting for attention as he sits nicely in the background watching. They miss how his face lights up with the brightest smile when I walk into the room.
I realize I am blessed to have Skype, since back in the day the didn't even have that. I am even more blessed to have family to miss. Family I am close enough to that it does matter when they are far away. I focus on how blessed I am to have such amazing kids fill my day. These are the thoughts I try to put in my mind when I have an off day.
Sometimes though, those thoughts just don't cut it. Sometimes I wake up, get on facebook and see a picture of my sister holding her friends baby who is the same age as Declan and it hurts in a hundred ways. She's held her friends baby more. Smelled her. Heard her coo and laugh. Felt the warmth of her snuggle. Most likely she will grow to know this child more than my own. That's when those above "happy" thoughts don't mean much.
So how do I shake this off? These lost moments of my babies life that the military gets and my personal family doesn't? I struggle often with this. I try very hard to push it away when the thoughts start to creep into my head and my eyes cloud a bit with tears.
Days like this I am tempted to pack all our suitcases and hop on a train for 20 hours to be home....or at least Hawaii where the warm beach or mountain hike could drown away my sorrows.
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